Giving up…Doubt

See this fabulous purple skirt. And these amazing purple Puma shoes. This is NOT what I wore to church on Sunday. Well, sort of. I wore everything but the shoes. Second guessing myself and being disappointed in my choice, I opted for ballet flats instead.

Not as show-stopping, I know.

So why did I do this to myself? Why didn’t I just wear the shoes I wanted to wear with the outfit I had already thought up in my head?

One word: Doubt.

Isn’t it funny how even down to the very last detail, like shoe options, doubt creeps in, and there you are, heading to church in the WRONG shoes!

Ok, so this isn’t life and death, but doubt creeps in EVERYWHERE. Even in my wardrobe apparently.

I read something hilarious and a little off-putting yesterday. A gal posted a picture of her cellulite booty in her swimsuit, something alllll women know about whether they admit it or not, and told a story. She was sitting in a bus station or train station, or somewhere and her foot was gushing blood. Nobody stopped to ask if she was ok. No one even noticed. So either all people are assholes…which unfortunately may be the fact in this case, or people are too consumed and worried about themselves to offer up any space for you and yours. I would guess it is likely “C, All of the Above.”

Say I did wear said purple Pumas to church…would the other older ladies not talk to me because they disapproved of my outfit? Not likely. I’m sure they disapprove of a lot of things about me, but shoes…I doubt they would’ve even noticed. Or maybe they would have and then asked me where they could get themselves a pair. Like my mom. Who did. And is an older lady. Sorry mom!

The point is not that OMG I wore the wrong shoes with my outfit today, it is that I let doubt creep in to even the littlest of concerns, and doubt is just everywhere.

I often doubt the goodness of God. I doubt that He is all powerful and our Protector and our Provider.

My daughter shared with me a dream she had the other night. She said we were in a store and she couldn’t find me. Then she saw me down another aisle, but two boys came and took her away from me and she had to go with them, and she was sad, but not scared.

Needless to say we did NOT go to the store that day.

I let fear and doubt creep into my day. What may have just been a harmless dream, or even a warning, I mean who really knows, dictated my entire day. I actually had no plans to go to the store that day, and I am well aware that dreams never mean what they seem to mean and should never be taken literally. But I let doubt over my daughter’s amazing future and life creep in and I started to doubt all the things the Lord has told me about her and what He has for her in her lifetime. My daughter is only five, but she is meant for greatness. I don’t doubt that at all.

I even doubt this whole writing journey. I doubt God’s words flowing through me and more often than not, I’m hesitant.

I started a podcast about a month ago. It had been a dream of mine to one day have a podcast and with the timing and everything, I just knew God was telling me to follow through. He sent me friends and other inspiring leaders and writers to speak into my life at just the right time, and He made me feel like the time was now. And even though I remember exactly where I was at the moments when I decided to follow through with these dreams He had given me to carry, I still doubt from time to time that that was the ever discerning voice of my Creator.

But here’s my measure: Is what I’m doing constantly pointing back at me, or is it pointing at someone else?

This is the question I was given last week when, in the middle of a doubting binge, I was doubting if I was supposed to be walking in and fulfilling this calling the Lord has given me. It is a small calling, nothing spectacular. It doesn’t require bright lights, a stage, or a teleprompter. It does include a laptop, a microphone I bought on Amazon, and some earbuds. It does include stepping out of my comfort zone, getting my butt off this couch, and logging some serious hours into planning and organizing and strategizing, and lots of advice from those who have gone before me. It requires slowing down, putting down, and walking away from certain things that would only serve as distractions.

I used to work for our church in Houston. It was a mega church by many standards. I worked in the special needs ministry, organizing and corralling the kids into partners with volunteers and making sure every kid had a buddy, every buddy was available and accounted for, and organizing the lesson and helping the director keep her sanity. None of which is easy to do when people don’t get paid to show up and aren’t the most reliable of species. Tell a male lion you aren’t showing up to a commitment, you get eaten. Man. Animals have it so easy.

One day the director asked me if I planned on staying on for the next couple of years and taking over her position once her son was out of college. She told me I could take some time to think about it, but I told her I already knew the answer, and it was a no. I didn’t try to sweet talk the situation. I plainly knew this wasn’t for me, this wasn’t where God had called my husband and I to serve in His kingdom. We were clearly meant for the country life, and suburbia was killing us…and not so slowly.

Against her wishes I was told I would be stepping down within two weeks. While it was certainly unexpected and not the best timing, I knew God had something better for me. Inside of those two weeks I would meet another women who took me on a journey through ministry I couldn’t even imagine existed, and change the course and route by which I do life even now.

Everything has a purpose, but sometimes you have to look for it. And when you are constantly doubting yourself and the things God is speaking to you, into your life, and over you by others, then all your going to end up doing is falling flat on your face…in the wrong shoes. We have to stop asking ourselves the fail-always question of, ‘What will other people think if..?’ As ridiculous as it sounds I didn’t wear my purple pumas because I thought the other ladies at the church would think I was weird. Never the mind that I was wearing a purple pleather skirt. That didn’t stop me. But I doubted myself, and my shoes, and felt so insufficient because of it. It was something small, something shallow, but sometimes, the shoes are everything. They make or break the outfit! Of course I’m talking about shoes figuratively here, but you get the point… I hope. It is usually the small things you doubt in that pull you off track and distract you from the path you’re supposed to be on. Wear the wrong shoes down the wrong path and any girl will tell you, you’ll end up with sore feet.

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